But of course, god hated me back then and decided that he was getting bored and needed to wreck someones reputation. "What the heck," he thought"I'll spin the REAL wheel of fortune". Then he went through the 6 and a half billion names on the thing and spun it, only to stop it very conveniently on my name with his little toe(yeah, reflexes.) So while some day of some month of my life in 9th so far was going well, he went about his stuff, he made series of hilarious prank calls and sent the kid who was gonna sing to the hospital(I don't know how and I still don't know what that motherf'er's name was, If i did he'd be fking in his grave right now) and I being the stand by that I was was naturally the one chosen to replace him as per the age old system of hierarchy though it dint seem nearly as pleasant to me as it did to nephews and princes when somebody when their dads or their dad's brothers or their cousins or pretty much anybody died.
So with an air of non-existing confidence which shouldn't have existed even in the non existent form, I marched up there when my name was called which it shouldn't have been and been and sang the very song which I shouldn't have sung but had to sing because the not-nice-lady of a comparer had taken the name of the song, Hotel California. Now it wasnt all that bad for about the first 5 seconds or so, then it started, Oh, what was i doing for the first 5 seconds or so? Adjusting the mike, that part went off beautifully. My air of non-existing confidence growing denser and denser and my smile grew larger and larger by the minute with each freakishly loud creak that the mike made because I thought there for a second that the mike may explode and bury the sharpnel in the judge's skull, maybe even my skull, but then I heard god giggle and the mike was set in front of me in a perfect manner waiting for the perfect acoustics of my voice visibly impressed by the largest cloud of non existent confidence it had ever seen, I glanced at the crowd of about a 150 disrespecting souls sitting below me from the foot of the stage to the back of the rather smallish auditorium if you could call it even half a one, I saw them talk and laugh and chat and fucking enjoy themselves, and at that moment I felt like repeating Virginia Tech all over again, but alas, Virginia Tech hadn't happened yet and so because of the lack of ammunition or any other idea, my bubble of Non Existent Confidence decided to decapitate itself and there I was stranded, lonely ,almost dead, but god thought that death would be too good for me compared to what was going to happen next(Of course he knew) and shook hands with the idea of leaving me there still stranded, still lonely, still alive.
So after these 5 seconds, I knew I had to run off stage and eat my socks and play dead, probably get cremated if that would help instead I began: "On a dark desert highway" the speakers boomed, creaked and creaked and the ones sitting close to the speakers, the ones I call the lucky ones closed their ears or ran outside to puke out an eardrum or two. I went on: "Cool wind in my hair" and saw the crowd, once evenly distributed, now huddled in the back of the room trying to not very inconspicuously at all 'get the hell outta there' as they later put it but a flaw in the room acoustics prevented them from doing that and it was this: there were speakers in the back. By the time I got to the part: "There were voices in the corridor" and if you read the lyrics you'll know that that's not very far, I thought I heard someone in the not so very far back at all say "DIE BUDDY! DIE!" and substituted the next line with this line from after the comma onwards to the end of the second double inverted comma close. And again, if you've read the lyrics, you'll realize that it doesn't sound all that bad with the song but it wasn't physically the most appropriate time and place to insert such changes. When I got to the second paragraph the judges were looking around, as if to see how many were still alive (which after further speculation was reported to be exactly what they were doing) and choked as if to say "If you leave them all impaired in no more than one region of the body ,we won't send you to Juvenile court, we swear." (which on further unnecessary speculation was reported to be exactly what they were trying to signal) and then one of them collapsed(the cause, after the forensics was reported as such: The intestine leapt through the stomach and strangled the brain in a superbly heroic display of self defense.).
The second paragraph went off relatively uneventfully and god got bored. "I want people to pray to me NOW!" he cried. "Oh, shut up you sissy!" called Satan. "But..." began god. "Just wreck his life some more"said Satan. In a moment of relative quietness god, recaliberated his interests and priorities and with an ingenious motion of the 2 little toes on his left foot caused another series of hilarious prank calls to happen and somehow mysteriously make me forget the rest of the song. As I stammered, the mob listened for a moment of stunned silence and took a deep breath and then the breathed out and listened for yet another almost exponentially more tensed moment than the first one of those. "Thank you" I managed, and they breathed out for the 7th time since they'd started breathing in during that stunning moment and then screamed and shouted and hooted and rejoiced and prayed and jumped up and down in glee and decided to lynch me cause the day's proceedings were visibly and obviously over, so they erected a cross on the school roof, picked me up on their shoulders and danced their way to the cross. During the rather comfortable several seconds i spent sitting on a senior's rather broad shoulder I heard a giggle and then It hit me 'Candles on the ceiling' I thought 'Candles on the bloody ceiling'.
I was rescued from this train of thought by a sudden thud, I bruised my shoulder, when I looked up I saw the mob was dead, all of it, I fainted. Later, forensics said that tha cause of the crowd's simultaneous deaths was along these lines: They were too excessively elated about something and forgot to breathe in. When I woke up in heaven I waited at the reception for a bit and then God called me in. "You killed me." I said. "Well, that was the Initial plan" he pointed at me accusingly(I honestly don't know why)"But Satan said that It would be more fun to just see you get mentally tortured by that astoundingly worthless no. of people in what you call a school"(At this point I thought of pointing out his grammatical error) but he dint wait "Also I wanted to see what a dislocated shoulder looks like, haven't given anybody one in ages. Is that a third degree?" and then I woke up again and felt a sharp sting.
Posts
